Gymnausea: The Dos & Don’ts of gym etiquette

It’s New Year’s resolution time. In celebration, here’s re-post of a humorous advice piece I did last year for The Plaid Crew.

It’s the beginning of a new year, and that means it’s time for New Year’s Resolutions. As usual, getting into shape and dropping that holiday weight is at the top of most people’s lists. And good for you! We applaud anyone who wants to improve their health. What we don’t applaud, however, is the tremendous inconvenience your fat ass creates for us people who dutifully go to the gym all year long. Week in and week out, we show up to get our pump on so we can keep it tight only to have you screw up our whole routine by taking all the good machines and just generally being in the way. While we could just sit here and complain about you in between squat thrusts, we thought we’d be helpful and give you the Dos and Don’ts of Gym Etiquette after the jump.

 

DO learn how to park, jackass

Good etiquette starts before you even get inside. At most gyms, parking is at a premium. Upon entering the lot, it should become immediately apparent that there is a certain logic to how vehicles are arranged. Unless you’re a self-absorbed a-hole, you will probably want to adhere to this. This means don’t MacGuyver your own spot on the grass or start a new row that blocks in four other cars. Also, we know it’s cold this time of year, but don’t let your car idle for 20 minutes just so your precious ass will be warm on the ride home, you inconsiderate jag.

 

DON’T wear perfume

OK, so this can sound kind of nit-picky, but there is nothing more aggravating than inhaling a mouthful of Juicy Couture when you’re in the middle of a four-mile run on the treadmill. This isn’t the gym from “Sex & the City.” No one’s here to get laid so leave the eau de toilette in your gym bag and break a sweat instead of wasting 30 minutes on the elliptical going two miles an hour while you read Us Weekly. Guys, the same goes for you; because, the next time we smell Axe Body Spray in the locker room, we’re going to towel whip that ridiculous tribal tattoo right off your bicep. Just sayin’, brah.

 

DO get some real clothes, you rube

The gym shouldn’t be a fashion show. People who have workout ensembles should be set on fire until the lycra melts off them like the Nazis in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” That being said, if you’re going to workout, buy some damn shorts. You can’t workout in jeans; it’s uncomfortable and it limits your movement. On top of that, you look like an goddamn idiot.

 

DON’T take all the good machines

We know, this one’s not fair, but come on. Why should these Johnny-come-latelies get to use the good machines? Let them use the squeaky elliptical or the treadmill that gives you a shock and shorts out every time you touch the handlebar. Do you even know how to use that bike? No. You don’t. You’re going to spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to program it — entering your age, weight, distance, time and a hundred other things that don’t frigging matter. Just hit “start” and get your ass moving. By the way, don’t lie about your weight to the machine; you’re only lying to yourself.

 

DO wipe that shit down

What, do you think this is your house? We don’t even know you and here you are sweating all over the equipment. It’s disgusting and rude. Those of us who are here all the time know the drill: you clean up after yourself. And that goes double for the locker room. Don’t leave your dirty underwear and socks laying all about like it’s your personal bathroom. It’s called a locker room for a reason. Use a locker. And while we’re at it, use a damn towel when you walk around in there. No one wants to see you shaving and weighing yourself buck-ass naked while you talk about last night’s Pats game to anyone who will listen. Screw it, we’re buying a home gym.

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